1) Chicks don’t wear helmets. I saw a blog today where the mother took her daughter for a bike ride. The mother had on a dress and had her hair down, and the baby was bundled, with a helmet on. This doesn’t make sense.
2) I just want to slap people who wear headphones while riding. Like, one of those cold, stiff handed bitch slaps that sound sharp and exactly like how skin hitting skin should sound.
3) Pedestrians who don’t look both ways when stepping into a bike lane are inviting someone to plow into them from the wrong direction. Look both ways! It’s not that hard!
4) Please get off the *^$%^*$#*#*@)(&&*$^$ SIDEWALK. Everytime someone rides their bike on a sidewalk, a baby bird dies for your sins.
5) Running red lights while on a bike is actually probably more dangerous than running a red light while in a car that weighs 3,500 pounds. Probably because if you are 150 pounds on 15 pounds of metal, a 3,500lb car will crush the shit out of you.
6) I wish people wouldn’t steal bikes. You know? Why do people have to be so dishonest and just terrible fucking human beings?
7) People riding bikes in flip flops gives me the chills. I can almost sense their toes getting caught in the crank and just being pulverized like ground beef. WOW! Oh my god, I have like phantom pains in my feet when I think about that. GAHGAHGAHGAH.
8 ) I love watching people uncomfortably straddle their bike. Like, when they stop at a light, they don’t move off the seat, so basically the saddle is up their ass, and they’re standing on the tippy toes to balance themselves.
9) How do dogs stay balanced in the baskets? When I rode a bike it was hard enough to balance my lunch box and work clothes in the basket, and those are inanimate objects. I doubt Earnest would ever be capable of sitting in a basket on a bike. Plus he is like 23 pounds, which is like, 1/3 of me (simplest fractionalized math I could do, sorry, I don’t weigh 69lbs), and I just can’t fathom how him sitting in my bike basket as we fly down Avenue A would result in a good thing. It might be really cute to take a picture though. Probably couldn’t be any harder to balance a dog than a human though… right?
10) How do some men look so f*cking sexy while riding their fixed gears? I never looked good on a bike. I looked like a douche.
11) The only time I’ve wished I still had my bike was the other weekend when the L wasn’t running and I had to take a roundabout way to get to Wiliamsburg. I am in shape and all, but I always got really winded when I would ride up the bridge. Granted, I think I only ever did it when it was cool weather, and it kind of gave me like that semi-permanent winded feeling in my lungs. It was pretty glorious to ride over the river though. OH WELL, I’d rather not get doored and die on internal bleeding than get on my bike, look like a douche, and ride around town with my bulbous head in my bulbous helmet. Plus, Earnest couldn’t come if I did that ‘cuz he’s TOO FAT.
12) Why do delivery boys put plastic bags over the seats of their bikes? Still haven’t figured that one out yet.